Guess what?!?!? It’s almost November 1! And guess what else?!?!? I still have 5 college essays to finish writing and revising before then! :’)
Honestly though, if past me found out that future me was in this predicament, I wouldn’t have been surprised. I’ve been a procrastinator for as long as I could remember. Over the past few years, I’ve discovered that I’m a procrastinator by perfectionism. I’ve tried to overcome that, but it’s so deeply rooted in me that even when I do manage to rip some of it out temporarily, it grows back as vigorously as ever.
I usually don’t think of myself as a perfectionist. I don’t have enough energy or willpower to try to make sure everything I do is perfect. I want for everything to be amazing, but getting myself to actually work on things is another story. There are some things like craft projects where I can’t stop myself from working on it and making sure it’s exactly how I want it without settling for less. For everything else, though, once I start working on it and it’s not going that well, I immediately want to stop. Maybe I’m a lazy perfectionist, if that’s a thing.
But, a lazy procrastinating perfectionist… Yeah, that sounds like a horrible combination. But, I’ve been those three things all at once today already. I was lazy. I came home from school and fell asleep instead of doing my homework and college work, and when I woke up I just talked to my boyfriend, listened to music, and freaked out over college applications instead of embracing the college work. It’s 11:49PM right now, and I’m still procrastinating working on my college essays by writing this-- I’m doing this so I don’t have to let myself believe that my college essays are very trashy or unwritten right now. Once I believe that, I think that’s when my perfectionism kicks in. I’ll write and edit one sentence over and over, and later I’ll freak out when I have so little work to show for all the time I’ve spent.
Usually for other writing assignments I will allow myself to leave the sentence and continue writing. These college essays are different though. I’m feel like I’m freezing up when writing them because they’re so high-stakes. For someone who doesn’t have the best test scores-- my essays might be the deal breaker. I want to convey my personality, I want to answer the prompt in an engineer type way, and I want it to be interesting. But, I keep driving into this ditch by trying to write so that whoever is reading my essay will like me. I also feel like I’m almost putting the college on a pedestal. I’m not sure why either of those things are happening. I don’t remember a time where that’s happened before, but hopefully once I get into a writing groove I can be more genuine.
It’s getting close to 12:30AM now, so I’d better get cracking. I hope a lazy procrastinating perfectionist can also be efficient.
This is a great post, Lizzy. Hilarious, too :) I totally understand the way you're feeling--I think I was like this two weeks ago. I didn't want to start my college apps mostly because they were so formidable. Like you said, it's high stakes--this determines our life for the next four years. But I believe in you--you can get it done! Go Lizzy!! <3
ReplyDeleteIn some ways I completely understand you, and in other ways I am completely the opposite. I am also a perfectionist, and I think I also put college on this sort of pedestal. To be honest though, college is 4 years of your life, and where ever you go- (even community college heaven forbid! =))you will learn stuff and be better for it. You don't have to go to Harvard. I promise. I am however, the anti-procrastinator. When I freak out, I work really hard, and I don't stop even when I'm really tired and actually done. So I would say life it probably better in between- but we both need to get a handle on ourselves. Good luck my friend!
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way about schoolwork sometimes (and I'm sure I'll feel it when I have to write my college essays as well). I've never thought about anyone as a lazy procrastinating perfectionist before, but the more I think about it the more I can relate to it. Well described.
ReplyDeleteThe concept of "procrastinating perfectionist" really resonates with me. Since middle school, I've done the thing where I'm too afraid of messing up to start stuff, and I wait til the very last minute to do things. I hate it, and the habit doesn't even make sense, but I'm definitely guilty of it. You sum that idea up really well here! Hopefully now that November 1 is past, you're doing better. I am, but that January 1 deadline is definitely looming now.
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